February 19th, 2010 by Dave

My brain just exploded.

Apparently, a Twi-Hard went and saw ‘The Wolfman’. She did not like what she saw. She was so upset, she sent an email to George Roush at LatinoReview.com to express her dismay.

Here is the letter in it’s entirety, sans shirtless pics of Taylor Lautner.

“To whom this may concern:

This movie was a complete waste and I feel that it offends ALL Twilight Fans around the world, that including myself. For one, it was a COMPLETE remaking of the Wolf Pack from the Twilight Saga: New Moon. It gives the werewolves a bad name and makes them look like some deformed mutation of a rabid dog. I actually started to like werewolves after seeing Jacob Black and all his awesomeness on the big screen at the movies. That was until I saw your crappy remake of what you call to be a “were wolf”. I don’t see how you live with yourself for making it the way you did. If I made this movie, I would be ashamed to even admit that I owned it. How can a werewolf be killed with a silver bullet? Better yet, have you saw the transformation of the man that is “supposed” to be the wolf? He sits in some chair and his entire body turns in to some mutated freak. If you would watch the transformation of Jacob Black, (Taylor Lautner) he doesn’t come close to looking as fake, cheap and or mutated as the wolf man.  You tell me, who looks to be the better werewolf. Your stupid Wolf Movie didn’t even make the top Movie for the charts; Valentines Day WITH TAYLOR Lautner! Get that this is MY oppinion and I felt I wanted to express it because I saw that your email was on your site. I wanted to let you know this is what i thought of the wolf man that sucks.


Regards:  Kayla Patterson”

Please note how her argument is lent extra weight through her use of capitalization and bold letters. Because as any internet poster can tell you, ALL CAPS is cruise control for ‘win’.

Yes. I intentionally left in the girl’s name because she deserves to be mocked, shunned, laughed at, and ultimately not allowed to reproduce in order to keep her from polluting the gene pool. Actually, I’m surprised that she hasn’t gone off on Bram Stoker for inventing a time machine to steal the idea of vampires from Stephanie Meyer in the future.Although I am not really much of a religious person, I believe that the very fact that this girl is alive, breathing, and has access to the internet proves that if God does exist, He really doesn’t give two farts about us.

Yes, I am being excessively cruel and smarmy here. I’m letting my anti-social side vent my nerd rage.  And in this case, it’s warranted. Twilight is not just extremely bad writing, even judged by the teenage girl literary standard, it is damaging to the self-esteem of the girls that read it. Years from now, when they get attracted to the dark, brooding guys who ‘are just like Edward’ that turn out to be abusive to them, they’re going to stay with these tools because they’ve been conditioned to believe that love can change someone from a physically and/or verbally abusive jerk into a loving partner. “Bella’s love changed Edward and they ended up together, so I just need to love Johnny more and he’ll stop hitting me.”

And let’s not even start on the inane horror that is the fourth book. I’m still trying to recover the 4d6 SAN points I lost just by having the 4th book summarized to me.

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Categories: Movies