WHY????!!!!????

February 19th, 2010 by Dave

My brain just exploded.

Apparently, a Twi-Hard went and saw ‘The Wolfman’. She did not like what she saw. She was so upset, she sent an email to George Roush at LatinoReview.com to express her dismay.

Here is the letter in it’s entirety, sans shirtless pics of Taylor Lautner.

“To whom this may concern:

This movie was a complete waste and I feel that it offends ALL Twilight Fans around the world, that including myself. For one, it was a COMPLETE remaking of the Wolf Pack from the Twilight Saga: New Moon. It gives the werewolves a bad name and makes them look like some deformed mutation of a rabid dog. I actually started to like werewolves after seeing Jacob Black and all his awesomeness on the big screen at the movies. That was until I saw your crappy remake of what you call to be a “were wolf”. I don’t see how you live with yourself for making it the way you did. If I made this movie, I would be ashamed to even admit that I owned it. How can a werewolf be killed with a silver bullet? Better yet, have you saw the transformation of the man that is “supposed” to be the wolf? He sits in some chair and his entire body turns in to some mutated freak. If you would watch the transformation of Jacob Black, (Taylor Lautner) he doesn’t come close to looking as fake, cheap and or mutated as the wolf man.  You tell me, who looks to be the better werewolf. Your stupid Wolf Movie didn’t even make the top Movie for the charts; Valentines Day WITH TAYLOR Lautner! Get that this is MY oppinion and I felt I wanted to express it because I saw that your email was on your site. I wanted to let you know this is what i thought of the wolf man that sucks.
FREAKIN LAUTNER DID!

TEAM JACOB- cuz hes a REAL WEREWOLVE!

Regards:  Kayla Patterson”

Please note how her argument is lent extra weight through her use of capitalization and bold letters. Because as any internet poster can tell you, ALL CAPS is cruise control for ‘win’.

Yes. I intentionally left in the girl’s name because she deserves to be mocked, shunned, laughed at, and ultimately not allowed to reproduce in order to keep her from polluting the gene pool. Actually, I’m surprised that she hasn’t gone off on Bram Stoker for inventing a time machine to steal the idea of vampires from Stephanie Meyer in the future.Although I am not really much of a religious person, I believe that the very fact that this girl is alive, breathing, and has access to the internet proves that if God does exist, He really doesn’t give two farts about us.

Yes, I am being excessively cruel and smarmy here. I’m letting my anti-social side vent my nerd rage.  And in this case, it’s warranted. Twilight is not just extremely bad writing, even judged by the teenage girl literary standard, it is damaging to the self-esteem of the girls that read it. Years from now, when they get attracted to the dark, brooding guys who ‘are just like Edward’ that turn out to be abusive to them, they’re going to stay with these tools because they’ve been conditioned to believe that love can change someone from a physically and/or verbally abusive jerk into a loving partner. “Bella’s love changed Edward and they ended up together, so I just need to love Johnny more and he’ll stop hitting me.”

And let’s not even start on the inane horror that is the fourth book. I’m still trying to recover the 4d6 SAN points I lost just by having the 4th book summarized to me.

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Categories: Movies

It’s Fat Tuesday!

February 16th, 2010 by Kyle

…insert the Kevin Smith joke of your choice here.

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Categories: comics, Movies

And The Razzies Go To…

February 2nd, 2010 by Kyle

The nominations for the 2009 Razzies were announced today, and I just had to share. The Razzies, in case you don’t know, are like the anti-Oscars – given for the worst films of the year instead of the best. The full list of nominees are:

WORST PICTURE:

  • All About Steve
  • G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
  • Land of the Lost
  • Old Dogs
  • Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

WORST ACTOR OF 2009:

  • All Three Jonas Brothers, “Jonas Brothers: The 3-D Concert Experience”
  • Will Ferrell, “Land of the Lost”
  • Steve Martin, “Pink Panther 2″
  • Eddie Murphy, “Imagine That”
  • John Travolta, “Old Dogs”

WORST ACTRESS Of 2009:

  • Beyonce, “Obsessed”
  • Sandra Bullock, “All About Steve”
  • Myley Cyrus, “Hannah Montana: The Movie”
  • Megan Fox, “Jennifer’s Body” and “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen”
  • Sarah Jessica Parker, “Did You Hear About the Morgans?”

WORST SCREEN COUPLE OF 2009:

  • Any Two (or More) Jonas Brothers, “The Jonas Brothers 3-D Concert Experience”
  • Sandra Bullock and Bradley Cooper, “All About Steve”
  • Will Ferrell and any co-star, Creature or “Comic Riff,” “Land of the Lost”
  • Shia Lebouf & Either Megan Fox or Any Transformer, “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen”
  • Kristin Stewart and either Robert Pattinson or Taylor Whatz-His-Fang, “Twilight Saga: New Moon”

WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS OF 2009:

  • Candice Bergen, “Bride Wars”
  • Ali Larter, “Obsessed”
  • Sienna Miller, “G.I. Joe”
  • Kelly Preston,”Old Dogs”
  • Julie White (as Mom), “Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen”

WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR OF 2009:

  • Billy Ray Cyrus, “Hannah Montana: The Movie”
  • Hugh Hefner (as himself), “Miss March”
  • Robert Pattinson, “Twilight Saga: New Moon”
  • Jorma Taccone (as Cha-Ka), “Land of the Lost”
  • Marlon Wayans, “G.I. Joe”

WORST REMAKE, RIP-OFF OR SEQUEL:

  • “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra”
  • “Land of the Lost”
  • “Pink Panther 2″
  • “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen”
  • “Twilight Saga: New Moon”

WORST DIRECTOR OF 2009:

  • Michael Bay, “Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen”
  • Walt Becker, “Old Dogs”
  • Brad Silberling, “Land of the Lost”
  • Stephen Sommers, “G.I. Joe”
  • Phil Traill, “All About Steve”

WORST SCREENPLAY OF 2009:

  • “All About Steve,” screenplay by Kim Barker
  • “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra,” screenplay by Stuart Beattie and David Elliot & Paul Lovett
  • “Land of the Lost,” written by Chris Henchy & Dennis McNicholas
  • “Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen,” written By Ehren Kruger & Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman
  • “Twilight Saga: New Moon,” screenplay by Melissa Rosenberg, based on the novel by Stephenie Meyer

WORST PICTURE OF THE DECADE (3 SPECIAL 30TH RAZZIE-VERSARY AWARDS):

  • “Battlefield Earth” (2000) — Nominated for 10 Razzies, “winner” of 8 (including Worst Drama of Our First 25 Years)
  • “Freddy Got Fingered” (2001) — Nominated for nine Razzies, “winner” of five
  • “Gigli” (2003) — Nominated for 10 Razzies, winner of seven (including Worst Comedy of Our First 25 Years)
  • “I Know Who Killed Me” (2007) — Nominated for nine Razzies, “winner” of eight
  • “Swept Away” (2002) — Nominated for nine Razzies, “winner” of five

WORST ACTOR OF THE DECADE:

  • Ben Affleck — (Nominated for nine “achievements,”winner” of two Razzies) “Daredevil,” “Gigli,” “Jersey Girl,” “Paycheck,” “Pearl Harbor,” “Surviving Christmas”
  • Eddie Murphy — (Nominated for 12 “achievements,” “winner” of three Razzies) “Adventures of Pluto Nash,” “I Spy,” “Imagine That,” “Meet Dave,” “Norbit,” “Showtime”
  • Mike Myers — (Nominated for four “achievements,” “winner” of two Razzies), “Cat in the Hat,” “The Love Guru”
  • Rob Schneider — (Nominated for six “achievements,” “winner” of one Razzie) “The Animal,” “Benchwarmers,” “Deuce Bigalo: European Gigolo,” “Grandma’s Boy,” “The Hot Chick,” “I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry,” “Little Man,” “Little Nicky”
  • John Travolta — (Nominated for six “achievements,” “winner” of the Razzies) “Battlefield Earth,” “Domestic Disturbance,” “Lucky Numbers,” “Old Dogs,” “Swordfish”

WORST ACTRESS OF THE DECADE:

  • Mariah Carey – (The Single Biggest Individual Vote Getter of the Decade: 70+% Of ALL Votes For Worst Actress Of 2001), “Glitter”
  • Paris Hilton (Nominated for five “Achievements,” “Winner” of four Razzies) “The Hottie & The Nottie,” “House of Whacks,” “Repo: The Genetic Opera”
  • Lindsay Lohan — (Nominated for five “achievements,” “winner” of three Razzies) “Herbie Fully Loaded,” “I Know Who Killed Me,” “Just My Luck”
  • Jennifer Lopez — (Nominated for nine “achievements,” “winner” of two Razzies) “Angel Eyes,” “Enough,” “Gigli,” “Jersey Girl,” “Maid in Manhattan,” “Monster-in-Law,” “The Wedding Planner”
  • Madonna — (Nominated for six “achievements,” “winner” of four Razzies) “Die Another Day,” “The Next Best Thing,” “Swept Away”
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Categories: Movies

A Little History Lesson, Re: Avatar

December 21st, 2009 by Kyle

1993: “Jurassic Park’s computer graphics are groundbreaking and game-changing! Films will never be the same again!”

1995: “Toy Story’s computer graphics are groundbreaking and game-changing! Films will never be the same again!”

1996: “Independence Day’s computer graphics are groundbreaking and game-changing! Films will never be the same again!”

1999: “The Matrix’s computer graphics are groundbreaking and game-changing! Films will never be the same again!”

2005: “Sin City’s computer graphics are groundbreaking and game-changing! Films will never be the same again!”

2008: “WALL-E’s computer graphics are groundbreaking and game-changing! Films will never be the same again!”

2009: “Avatar’s computer graphics are groundbreaking and game-changing! Films will never be the same again!”

Categories: Movies

Some Thoughts On Avatar

December 19th, 2009 by Kyle

avatar-navi-blue-photo1

Kyle here.

I’m sure you’ve all read the reviews, and probably gone to see it yourself, but here are a couple of quick thoughts about Avatar, which I just saw in (faux) IMAX 3D:

  1. Sorry, Cameron – I need more. While the effects in Avatar were indeed groundbreaking and beautiful, I’m way over my phase of awesome visual effects being able to overcome a shaky story or half-baked characters. In fact, I can tell you exactly when that phase ended – the minute I sat down to watch The Phantom Menace for the first time. That movie – and all the Star Wars prequels – were indeed visually stunning. But that just wasn’t enough. I needed more from George Lucas, and I needed more from your movie too.
  2. Yes, I said Phantom Menace. They say that Avatar took 12 years for James Cameron to create, as he waited for technology to catch up to his vision. Does that sound familiar? It should. Those of us who are old enough remember that the first series of Star Wars movies came out spaced three years apart (1977, 1980, 1983), then the original plan was for a five year break before the prequels started. That means that Episode I was supposed to have hit theatres in 1988. But of course, that five year break turned into a 16-year break, and Episode I didn’t actually appear until 1999. Why? Because Lucas was waiting for technology to catch up to his vision for the prequels. But in the end, in the case of both Lucas and Cameron, the technology became a distraction rather than an aid. The Phantom Menace was beautiful to look at – and had a ridiculous, convoluted plot, performances that were phoned in, and no soul at all. It’s obvious what took priority during the production of that movie, and what were secondary considerations. And so it is with Avatar. Avatar is beautiful to look at, – and has a tired, recycled plot, a grating, hamfisted political message, and completely one-dimensional characters. It’s obvious what took priority during the production of Avatar. And if that’s all you’re looking for, then Avatar delivers. But like I said, I need more.
  3. That said, Cameron is far better at creating dialog than Lucas (not that that’s saying a lot). The dialog in Avatar was only groan-inducing once or twice, and then only mildly so.  It made the movie seem imperfect instead of unbearable – flawed instead of a failure.
  4. 3D is still a gimmick.
  5. Good performances all around also helped a lot. Sam Worthington is headed for big things. Sigourney Weaver was at the top of her form. This also did a lot to redeem Avatar.
  6. The main problem was not just the derivative nature, but also the heavy-handedness of the plot. For a movie that provides beautiful delights of light and color, the story was utterly black and white morally. I mean, it was Ayn Rand-level black and white morality. The Na’vi and the human good guys were totally good, and the human bad guys were totally evil, with no redeeming qualities at all. No Na’vi is ever seen doing anything dishonorable or morally questionable. No questions are asked about the human soldiers killed by the Na’vi – about whether they may have been not actually evil, but just men doing something they didn’t really like for a paycheck in hard times. Were they flawed but redeemable? Just trying to feed six kids back home? Doesn’t matter – you’re just supposed to cheer when they get blown to smithereens.
  7. White guilt. I couldn’t put this point any better than io9 did, so I’ll just link to them.
  8. Avatar to me really represents the anti-District 9. District 9 was low-budget, and all about story and characters. Avatar is high-budget, and all about the technical perfection and visual effects. But visual effects tend to to age well, and hanging your movie’s legacy on it may not be the most wise of approaches to filmmaking. In addition, for me, it really is all about the story and characters. I never minded the unimpressive visuals of classic sci-fi like Doctor Who, Babylon 5, or Legend of Galactic Heroes. The cutting edge in visual effects moves year to year, but a compelling story and characters you care about are eternal. So when thinking about the best sci-fi movie of 2009, count me as solidly in the District 9 camp. It’ll be the one you’ll still be watching 25 years from now – the one that will still be as compelling as it ever was.
Categories: Movies